indecisive.

sometimes, deciding things all day wears me out. it wore me out so intensely today that i almost broke down in tears when i had to decide what to make for dinner. peanut butter and jelly won out as a grilled cheese, or even a frozen dinner, was too much work.

my job is incredible. it's incredibly emotionally intense. i feel the highs just as intensely as i feel the lows. we jump into people's lives every day - people who see college as their way out of the life they're living. the students we serve on our account are living largely at or below the poverty line. they have children, jobs they often dislike, and little experience making a plan and following through with it. they struggle with taking ownership over their own worlds and the happenings within them. they frequently experience trauma and bring us into the current storm. our coaches are incredible people. they care deeply, and for 8 hours a day. we do good work. we do a lot of work, and a lot of ourselves, no matter the boundaries we draw, are involved.

one fellow manager likened it to having 100 units of energy to give out each day...and our job taking 50-80 of them, depending on the day. even though i'm not working from home and at night much, my energy is largely depleted by the time i get home because of the intensity between 8:30 and 5:30.

balance is a hard thing to achieve. the darkness of november doesn't help things either.

on a lighter note, m. is doing wii boxing upstairs...and this makes me grin a little.

i'm angry.

i'm angry.

i'm angry that if i wanted to start my own coaching business i would have to choose between doing so with no health insurance or working a side job for health care. i would not be able to get onto meghan's plan because we both have vaginas.

i'm angry that our love isn't seen as valid enough to warrant legal protection.

i'm angry that people who don't know my family can decide the future of it, legally.

i'm angry that i feel relatively powerless to do anything about it.

i'm angry that my rights are being put to a mother fucking vote.

i'm angry that my wonderful straight friends who want to get married feel guilty for doing so when i cannot.

i'm angry that one of us may never have legal ties to our future child who we plan and raise together.

i'm angry that this is a religious thing instead of a legal thing.

i'm angry that this is keeping me up when i have an incredibly busy day tomorrow.

i'm angry that i give so much of myself to making people better people, but am told "thanks for all you do, but you don't deserve the same rights we have".

the fight is far from over.

i'm pissed.